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I am flawed. Flawed as the day is long. Flawed as that retard mutant gummy bear that is half formed and conjoined to 16 other bears at the bottom of the gummy bear barrel at Top Foods Grocery store etc. etc. Flawed.

Now I don't say this disparagingly, but matter of fact. I am human and that instantly translates to being a flawed creature. We are born inherently flawed, but also beautifully complex and with the potential to out stripe any being or god that has ever existed. That is the wonder of it all and the challenge of it as well. We are all born equal (relatively) and with somewhat of a clean slate and the rest of our mortality is an uphill struggle to find a kind of personal perfection or transcendence, at least I believe it to be the way of the things.

I know that I have fucked up a lot in my life: Work, Family, Girlfriends, friend Friends, Goals, Habits, Hobbies, Passions and on and on. I have had a lot of notches put on my proverbial belt and it has gotten bigger with the years. This is not something I am particularly proud of. Some instances have taken me years and repetitive prompting from people for them to finally click in my brain. Others of course, not quite so long. It has all been relative.

I have had my own struggles and battles and know that I will still have more to come. I hope to be able to face and find goodness in the victories and the defeats. I know I will need them.

Where is any of this going you ask? Well I guess it is me making a few stands and reciting a few personal mantras about the abilities I posses to be better than what I am naturally because I am a part of an incredible self aware species. I can be better than my basic flawed nature, if I want to. I can learn from my errors and progress forward with new knowledge and wisdom, if I want to. I can transcend the bullshit I build around me, if I want to. I can be the better man I dream to be, if I want to.

But the key is deciding if I really want to. Sometimes the fuck around gets to be comfortable and familiar. Sometimes the stink of anger becomes like roses in your nose. Sometimes the fear of the unknown is like your favorite pair of jeans. Sometimes the uneducated snap judgment is like the accolades of your best friends. Sometimes hubris is like the best blow job you'll ever receive.


Sometimes you have to kick your own ass and see a bigger better picture and say fuck it to all the bad habits and self styled posturing that you've gotten used to. You have to ask yourself, "I am being contrary for a real reason or for contrariness's sake?" "Am I being a piece of shit, unknowingly so?"

I can change if I want to.

the fundamentals of fundamentals

A light switch was flicked on yesterday, and when all was illuminated, fuck... did I feel foolish!

I have wasted a lot of breath, blood, sweat and anger getting worked up over things that will never change and people(s) that are just going to be who they are, whether I am comfortable with it/them or not. We just aren't meant to mesh together. Realize it. Get over it. Move on. Whoopdeedoo!

I wish I would have gotten this a while ago, despite the proverbial egg on my face.


Like, dude WTF??!?!! Where have I been?

My Birthday.

It's a week and a day till the big 26 hits and I have no real plans (aside from a dinner with my parents) and am wondering if anyone would like to get together and help me ring in another year. Being perpetually drunk would be fun, especially since I have 4 days off for the celebrating of such an event.

If anyone has the time to boogey down, let me know.


Sep. 13th, 2006

I find myself in a trench which has no exit.


ghost something or other I am taking requests. Give me a subject and I will do my best to write a poem or essay-like piece within a timely fashion.


Im trying out one of the new layouts. What d'yall think?

Dark rumblings from the sweetie patrol

First and foremost, an apology is in order. 'Tis been too long since my last update. Ugh! Enough lamentations and exhaltations, onward soilders on!

This was a strange day indeed, and for this one event only. About 6:30 P.M.ish at work, I was in the back buy area helping out a coworker with a few things and I see a Charcoal grey Toyota Prius quickly pull up to the Trader Joe's dumpster behind our building out of the back door. I watched for a little bit, thinking it was an employee just cleaning out their car, but 'twas not the case, 'twas a dreaded Dumpster-Diver! Now mind you, I have no problems with the regular dumpster diver, he/she is most likley an eco-friendly person who may or may not be poor, but believes in the using of all things over and over till the bitter end. This is a cool ethos to live by and though I don't participate in it, I respect it. If you approach one of these types and let them know that you would prefer if they didn't go through your dumpster, the will return the politeness and not go through it, or at least wait till you're not there to witness it, having inside themselves the courteousy to give you some peace of mind over the possible rummaging-through of your dumpster.

Then there is the other type/ The self righteous indignant sonsofbitches, that get uppity, defensive, angry and violent towards you when you confront them on what they are doing. Such was the case with the Toyota liberalistic propoganda weilding GRANNY I ran into (seriously she was at least 55 or older!).

She was pulling flowers out from there dumpster and I watched for a little while while, taking down her plates in case she did exactly what she did. I walked over towards her and she immediately asked me "Do you work for Trader Joe's? I am just trying to rescue some plants and flowers" in a slightly nervous and strained voice. "No, but I know that Trader Joe's doesn't appreciate you going through their garbage, just as a heads up for you so you know." I replied. Then she retorted with some fake thank you bullshit, which quickly degenerated into a snide, angry come back while I tried to again explain that they pay for their garbage service just like she does and she wouldn't like people stealing from her trash like she was doing. "Yeah thanks, thanks a lot you facist, you're just like George Bush!" She snapped back. I was a little taken aback at this, but replied "If that makes you feel better to label me, go right ahead." "I hate people like you, you're exactly like George Bush! Facist!" "If labeling me makes you feel good, keep on saying it. She was getting into her car at this point and still spouting GWB comparisons at me. I knew the conversation was over at this point, so I replied with a hearty "FUCK YOU BITCH!" and flipped her off and turned my back to her as she drove off.

Well, at that point I went over to Trader Joe's and let them know what was up. They all had a hearty laugh at the GWB comparisons and I went back to work. That granny is on my shit list now. I know what she drives and I have seen her flabby old ass in my bookstore. Bitches must pay and heads will roll!
It is 5:30 in the morning. I have slept about 9 hours in the past 2 days.

The ends are very very very frayed. If I have to put up with any bullshit at work today...

Fuck! I wish I could retire.